Adventures of a Pregnant Woman #379

Let me preface this post by letting you know that today has been a long day. What that means is that I have been going since I woke up early this morning and have not had my daily nap. I also haven't cried since worship on Sunday and with today being Tuesday I was long overdue.

Around 5:00p.m. I made my way to the grocery store to pick up a few things. Since I am Lois' child, I must admit that a few things at the grocery store is more like a shopping cart full, but that is neither here nor there. Anyway, after double backing my way to the condiment aisle for some Hellman's mayo, my trip was done. I made my way to the checkout counter, bypassing the express lane. In the middle of the floor, between my aisle and the next, was an abandoned shopping cart. I noticed it, got in my line, and began to unpack my cart. The woman in front of me looked at me, smiled, watched the clerk scan her seventeen bottles of ginger-ale (I wonder if she, too, was expecting), and never said a word. About four items in to my unpacking, a super-skinny blond woman comes over looks at brown me and my big ole belly and says, "I was behind that woman. I am next.." I gave her the look. She stared me down. I told her that the woman never mentioned that someone was behind her, but that she could go ahead. I thought it was the good Christian thing to do, even though I questioned her lack of consideration for me. She scooted past me and began slowly unloading her cart. What she didn't know was that I was tired and in some pain. I imagine she didn't care. She was clearly younger than I am. She was clearly in better shape than I am, and not just because I am with child. And she was clearly out of the store before I was.

Though boiling inside, I told myself to move on. My pain had subsided and it wasn't the end of the world. Until I got to my car, of course. The person who pulled into the space on my left had pulled so close it left me no room to get in. (These days, when I park at home, I practically skim my side-view mirror against the right garage wall just to leave myself room to get in and out of my car.) I loaded my groceries into the trunk while plotting how I was going to get into my car. Getting into the passenger seat and climbing over wasn't an option. I mean really, I can barely get a pair of shoes/boots on without hubby's help. With cart unloaded, I started to get anxious. There was no one in sight.

And then he appeared. A thin Indian man walking towards me. I didn't know where he came from, whether he had even gotten out of a car or not. I didn't know if I could trust him, but I was desperate. "Excuse me sir, can I ask a favor?" Blank stare. "I am pregnant and the person next to me parked really close. I cannot get into my car. Would you mind pulling my car out so I can get into it?" Hesitant, he walked toward me, took my keys, and squeezed into my car. "Thank you," I said as images of him pulling out and driving to California raced through my heard. He pulled up, got out of the car and handed me my keys. "Thank you again. God bless you." Head nod. During the exchange the man never said a word.

With my car pulled out and plenty of room for me to get in, I got into the driver's seat and began to cry. It was ugly. I couldn't control my tears. Thank God I hadn't put mascara on this morning. I cried because in just five minutes I had experienced the worst and best of humanity. I cried because, well, that's what pregnant women sometimes do. I cried because I hadn't cried since Sunday. And I'm sure it won't be the last time I cry in the next two months. Some other day I'll write about the day early in my pregnancy when I cried—a more accurate word might be boo-hoo'd—watching a movie. Did I mention it was a comedy?

image taken from http://blogs.babble.com/strollerderby/2011/01/23/pregnant-women-in-nyc-free-parking-coming-soon/

Count Your Blessings...

As excited as we are, as I am, to be expecting our first child, I must admit that I am so over being pregnant. I am eagerly anticipating May 3rd when I can meet our sweet girl and get my body back. Though I look well, I've been struggling with pain and such in a way that I haven't had to deal with ever before in my life. To add insult to injury, baby girl's favorite spot to rest in (and press into) is right at the source of my pain. To add further insult, I have been officially placed on maternity leave by my doctor. So I've been home, away from my family and my church family. I especially miss my seasoned saints and the time we have during our Wednesday's with Jesus Bible Study. I know I said I wouldn't complain, and this isn't a complaint, but an opening up to give you a glimpse into what has been going on with me.

1. 
   
2. In the midst of sleepless nights and physical pain, I got some news last Wednesday night that caused my countenance to fall. In the mail was a letter from Princeton Theological Seminary. To be specific, it was a rejection letter. Opening up that letter from PTS took me to a really low place. It was such a blow on so many levels—I've always been able to envision myself as a teacher/scholar/thinker in the academy—that I cried and cried. Intellectually, I understood that all things work together for good to those who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose (Romans 8:28), but in that moment and the day that followed my heart and my spirit were having a hard time grasping the concept. I questioned my intellect. I questioned my worth. I questioned whether or not it would ever happen. I questioned what I've been doing with my life for the past 5 years. And to be perfectly honest (this may sound irreverent to some of you, but it is the truth), I wasn't on speaking terms with God that night (or the day after). 

1. But Friday morning, as I prepared my breakfast, the hymn book in my heart opened up to hymn #325, "Count Your Blessings."
2. 
   
3. When upon life’s billows you are tempest-tossed,
   When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
   Count your many blessings, name them one by one,
   And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.
   • Refrain:
     Count your blessings, name them one by one,
     Count your blessings, see what God hath done!
     Count your blessings, name them one by one,
     Count your many blessings, see what God hath done.
4. Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
   Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
   Count your many blessings, every doubt will fly,
   And you will keep singing as the days go by.
5. When you look at others with their lands and gold,
   Think that Christ has promised you His wealth untold;
   Count your many blessings—wealth can never buy
   Your reward in heaven, nor your home on high.
6. So, amid the conflict whether great or small,
   Do not be discouraged, God is over all;
   Count your many blessings, angels will attend,
   Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.

The hymn writer reminds us that in the midst of trials and tribulation, headaches and heartaches, discouragement and disappointment, that there is so much to be grateful for. So, as I prepared my eggs and toast, I started to count my blessings. It started out like a typical testimony at a storefront Pentecostal church: Giving honor to God who is the head of my life. I bless God for life, health and strength. I bless God because I woke up this morning clothed in my right mind. I bless God because I have food on my table and a shelter. 

Don't get me wrong, I am appreciative for these things, but then I had to dig a little deeper: I have a wonderful husband who loves me beyond measure; I have a precious little girl growing and developing in the safety of my womb; I have parents who have always supported me; I have a sister and niece—though geographically far—who are near and dear to me; I have sister/girl/friends who constantly encourage my soul; I have a pastor who models excellence; I have a praying church family. Duh, I already have three degrees.

And deeper still: I am a child of the Most High God who loves me unconditionally; I have been saved and set free by the blood of Jesus; I am constantly protected by the grace and mercy of God; I am fearfully and wonderfully made. My steps are ordered by God. God has a plan for my life to give me a hope and a future!

So my friends, when life has its way with you and when disappointment comes (and trust me, it will) I dare you to shift your attention. Begin to count your blessings. As I did last week, I am sure that you will find that your blessings are abundant. When you count your blessings, as I did, disappointment will be put in its rightful place. And I have no doubt that one day, in God's perfect time, that baby girl will call me Rev. Dr. Mommy!

I Won't Complain...

I have been silent lately. I've been listening...to God, to myself, to baby girl's heartbeat and the imagined sound of her laughter (which sounds just like her dad's laugh). I've been at the intersection of "It is Well" Boulevard and "I Won't Complain" Way. There is so much going on, and yet in the midst of it all, I am ever learning how to trust in the Lord with all my heart. I'm leaning, more on the Lord than I ever have. Each day I acknowledge my own human frailty, the weakness of this ole body, and the awesome power and presence of Almighty God. Part of my silence is really just a desire to "give thanks in all circumstances" because as the Apostle Paul writes in 1 Thessalonians 5:18, "this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." Part of my silence, which is the other side of the gratitude coin, is a desire to stop complaining. If—as the Psalmist says—praise is comely, then surely complaining can make an otherwise attractive person quite ugly.

And so, my theme song for the month is I Won't Complain...

I've had some good days
I've had some hills to climb
I've had some weary days
And some sleepless nights

But when I look around
And I think things over
All of my good days
Outweigh my bad days
I won't complain

Sometimes the clouds are low
I can hardly see the road
I ask a question, Lord
Lord, why so much pain?
But he knows what's best for me
Although my weary eyes
They can't see
So I'll just say thank you Lord
I won't complain

All That is Within Me...

In the opening verse of Psalm 103, we find these words:

Bless the Lord, O my soul: and all that is within me, bless His holy name.

(KJV)



I can recall my first Sunday as worship leader after finding out that I was with child. It was Sunday, September 4, 2011. I was standing at the lectern in the pulpit, with tears welling up in my eyes as I sang, Bless the Lord, O my soul: and all that is within me, bless his holy name. Unbeknownst to anyone in the congregation, except my husband and my mother, there was something new within me—someone new within me.



Fast forward twenty-odd weeks...



This Scripture, and the refrain that we sing, still moves me. When I sing it, it is an invitation to our daughter to praise God. And praise God, she does. There are times when she is still and then there are the times when she is quite active in my womb. She wakes early and goes to bed late (daytime napping is surely the cause). She gets happy about three minutes after I take a bite of food. Sometimes she plays just because. And she praises God. I know, you're wondering how I know this; On Christmas morning, during our second worship service, she had been still until one of our ministers of music began to sing Richard Smallwood's "Total Praise." As he sweetly sang, Lord, I will lift mine eyes to the hills... she began to move. By the time he got to You are the Source of my strength... I could tell I was experiencing/witnessing/feeling an all out praise party. As he sang, I lift my hand in total praise to You... I knew that she was lifting her tiny hands in praise to Almighty God. Her movement was so intense that I could not stand. And if you know me, you know that I am a worshipper and rarely do you catch me sitting down during service.  But I sat, and gave her room to praise God in her own way. Some weeks later, at a home going service for one of our former members, just before the eulogy was preached, a woman sang "Total Praise" and little lady—who had been still for at least two hours—began to worship God.







Though we have progressed, there are still thoughts that a woman's rightful place is to be barefoot and pregnant and in the kitchen. And though we have progressed, there are still those who do not believe that women are called to preach. What joy it brings me to know that I am not leading worship alone. How awesome is it that our little girl has not only informed my creative process in preaching, but also that she is present when I stand to declare, What thus saith the Lord. I count it a privilege to be barefoot and preaching and in the pulpit. More than that, I am humbled and excited and anxious to raise a daughter who knows God, loves God, and trusts God as the Source of her strength and the Strength of her life.



- Posted using BlogPress on the fiercest device ever...the iPad!!!

Gestation and Waiting...

This article was originally written for the "Women's Corner" in The Interchange—the news magazine for the Bethesda Baptist Church of New Rochelle.  In yesterday's blog post I wrote, "I am totally out of control, as it relates to my body, and not only do I feel beautiful, but I feel free." This article, written in November 2011 will give this statement some context. The image is taken from www.madamenoire.com.

I am writing this piece aware of the fact that motherhood—namely pregnancy—can be a sensitive issue in the lives of women. I am overjoyed for all of the women who have carried, borne, and raised children to the very best of their abilities—often counting on God to make a way out of no way. (Admittedly, I did raise my eyebrow when I heard that reality television star Michelle Duggar was expecting her 20^th child.) My heart is grieved for all of those women who are unable to bear children, those who have suffered miscarriage, those who have been forced to have abortions, and those who have delivered stillborn babies—sometimes haunted by memories while relying on God’s strength and comfort to move forward. I also stand in solidarity with those women who have chosen to adopt and those who have made the decision not to have children—recognizing that there is virtue and purpose in the lives of women that stretches beyond our capability to bear children and our status as somebody’s momma. And yet, today I am writing in my current state of gestation; For in all of our experiences there are joys to be celebrated, trials to to be endured, and lessons to be learned.

I am settling into my second trimester, praise be to God! I must admit, my first trimester experience was less than desirable: my energy level plummeted leaving me unable to manage tasks that I had once breezed through; I was placed on bed rest for a short time confining me to the four walls of our bedroom which seemed to close in tighter and tighter as the days passed; I had been unable to keep any food down for eight weeks which is quite difficult for a woman, like me, who enjoys food; and my words dried up—at times I found it laborious to talk on the telephone, to write anything, and even to pray. I thought pregnancy was all about the glow, and yet all I felt was ashy and dull.  I share this not to evoke sympathy, but so that you can understand how the power of God moved in my situation.  

In all of this, it was God’s presence and the truth of His Word that carried me through. The rubber of my faith hit the road of my life when I had to remind myself that as a daughter of God, I am called to bless the Lord at all times—and that ALL is neither conditional nor situational. As I laid in bed, I was almost forced to learn how to be still and know that He is God. Time and time again, as I journeyed to the porcelain throne, I remembered that all things work together for good to those who love God and are called according to His purpose. But the greatest lesson that I learned was one that God started teaching me in March of 2008.

One afternoon I was sitting in Seminary Hall at Drew University reading Scripture. I was arrested by the words of the prophet Isaiah:

“Before she was in labor, she gave birth; Before her pain came, She delivered a male child. Who has heard such a thing? Who has seen such things? Shall the earth be made to give birth in one day? Or shall a nation be born at once? For as soon as Zion was in labor, She gave birth to her children.  Shall I bring to the time of birth, and not cause delivery?” says the LORD. “ Shall I who cause delivery shut up the womb?” says your God. “ Rejoice with Jerusalem, And be glad with her, all you who love her; Rejoice for joy with her, all you who mourn for her;  That you may feed and be satisfied With the consolation of her bosom, That you may drink deeply and be delighted With the abundance of her glory.”  (66:7-13 NKJV)

In the margin of my Bible, next to this passage, I wrote the words: WAIT UNIL GOD DELIVERS. So often, especially in our instant-messaging society, we want things to happen instantly. We have dreams and visions, but grow impatient as we wait for them to come to pass. Waiting becomes more difficult when trials and tribulations, hardships and obstacles manifest themselves. However, in the Word we are repeatedly admonished to wait on God. It is in the waiting that we can find courage within that we were previously unaware of. It is in the waiting that God strengthens our hearts. It is in the waiting that God renews our strength to persevere. It is in the waiting that God works a miracle that is for an appointed time and purpose. You see, if I had my way, as soon as the despair of bed rest and the fatigue from vomiting set in, I would have opted to have the baby right then. (To think, we haven’t even started with kicks and stretch marks!) Ladies, as you know, having the child then would have been dangerous. More than wanting to feel well, I desired a healthy and fully-developed baby. This child in my womb would not have been fully developed after just two months. Even as I type this, major organs are maturing and will continue to mature for an additional six months. The normal gestation period is between 37 and 42 weeks. It takes that long for all of the organs and systems to form so that the child can sustain life outside of the womb. As much as I wanted the discomfort to be over, to do so would have been to put our child at risk. And this isn’t merely about discomfort. I’m sure that down the road, round about my eighth month, the desire to meet our child and to hold her or him in my arms will be so strong that I’ll be anxious to give birth. But even then, it will be imperative to wait until the natural time of delivery. 

In this experience, and through His word, God is showing me that our waiting, and even our travail, serves a purpose. I now recognize why it is important to wait for God to deliver. Many of us have had had visions of ministry conceived in our hearts and have attempted to give birth before experiencing labor. Many of us have had dreams of career and/or academic advancement and have moved forward to delivery out of season out of sheer excitement. Many of us have had dreams of getting married and/or starting families and have taken matters into our own hands when God seems to be taking too long. As a result, we have given birth to underdeveloped ministry and premature dreams and we wonder why things aren’t working out as God had revealed to us. Worse yet, many of us have grown impatient with waiting and have aborted our dreams. We have given up and are now living with the ghosts of what could have been.

My dear sisters, whatever vision God has placed in your heart, whatever dream God has deposited in your mind, whatever aspiration God has breathed into your soul, I encourage you to wait for it—even through pain, disappointment, travail, and difficulty. I am assured that in due time, in God’s time, that God will birth it into existence. And just as my husband and I wait for the arrival of our bundle of joy, I am confidently waiting for God to birth every dream and vision that He has placed in my heart. 

Happy New Year!

Hello All! It has been a while since my last substantial writing. New, and amazing things are happening in my life and I am ready to share. God has blessed us tremendously, and in May hubby and I are expecting the arrival of our first child, a baby girl! I've been absent because it seems that everything in my life for the past five and a half months has revolved around or been viewed from my pregnant lenses. In any case, all is well and we are excited! It seems Baby Girl is excited, too! As I posted on my Facebook page earlier, I am convinced that my husband has already given our daughter a soccer ball. Either that or A Tribe Called Quest's Can I Kick It is on continuous loop in my belly. Whatever the case, movement is a sign of life so I am grateful...





This year I am not making any concrete resolutions. (I never stick to them, anyway.) At the end of this year I just hope to be the best wife, mother, minister, and follower of Christ that I can be. I'm leaning on God to work out the details of what that looks like and how that happens. As the hymn writer says, Where He leads me, I will follow. For sure, when December 31, 2012 rolls around, I'll know if I have been fruitful. I'll praise God for fruitfulness. I'll probe where I have fallen short, all the while extending myself grace. More than anything, I want to be the kind of woman my daughter admires and hopes to become. For this to happen, extending myself the same kind of mercy and loving-kindness that God grants me must become part of the fabric of my being. No more mean girl, especially not to myself.


Interestingly enough, being with child at the start of a year has been quite refreshing. For the first time in forever, I have not been bound and gagged by a resolution to lose 5lbs or 10lbs or 15lbs or 50lbs. In fact, I love my pregnant body! I feel more feminine than I've ever felt before, even as my belly continues to grow. The proliferation of Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, and Nutrisystem commercials have not caught my attention. I have not purchased any new gym equipment or DVD's. I did not restock the fridge with low-fat fare. I am totally out of control, as it relates to my body, and not only do I feel beautiful, but I feel free. (Not to worry, I haven't abused that whole notion of eating for two. Tomorrow I'll post some writing I did around Thanksgiving to give this last statement some context.) As another hymn writer says, I am free. Praise the Lord, I'm free. No longer bound. No more chains holding me. My soul is resting and its a blessing. Praise the Lord, Hallelujah, I'm free!


So that's just a few things that are new for me. What new things do you have going on in 2012?

An Advent Meditation

The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me; because the LORD hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek; he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to them that are bound; To proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD, and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all that mourn; To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified. And they shall build the old wastes, they shall raise up the former desolations, and they shall repair the waste cities, the desolations of many generations. 

For I the LORD love judgment, I hate robbery for burnt offering; and I will direct their work in truth, and I will make an everlasting covenant with them. And their seed shall be known among the Gentiles, and their offspring among the people: all that see them shall acknowledge them, that they are the seed which the LORD hath blessed. I will greatly rejoice in the LORD, my soul shall be joyful in my God; for he hath clothed me with the garments of salvation, he hath covered me with the robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom decketh himself with ornaments, and as a bride adorneth herself with her jewels. For as the earth bringeth forth her bud, and as the garden causeth the things that are sown in it to spring forth; so the Lord GOD will cause righteousness and praise to spring forth before all the nations.

Isaiah 61:1-4,8-1 (KJV)

At the beginning of His earthly ministry, as recorded in the fourth chapter of Luke’s Gospel, Jesus boldly declared his mission, drawing on the words of the prophet Isaiah, “The Spirit of the Lord is upon me…” In his declaration, Jesus cites the impetus for His work. Like the prophet, Jesus is clear that His motivation and power are a direct result of the presence of the Holy Spirit moving in His life. Sadly, during this Advent and Christmas season, too many people—including some in the church—are being guided by the spirits of materialism and consumerism. In His declaration, Jesus also explains the nature of His work—to preach good news, to free people from broken heartedness, captivity, and bondage, and to unleash joy that has no bounds in the lives of God’s people. On the surface, this season has the appearance of freedom and joy—Miracle on 34th Street on the television, bright lights on Christmas tress, and gifts overflowing. However, for many it is a season when depression and loneliness strike, sadness at the thought of a loved ones passing creeps in, and anxieties about skyrocketing credit card balances abound.

As we prepare to celebrate the coming of the Christ child, and continue to our work in the Kingdom of God, I wonder if we could avail ourselves to be guided solely by the Spirit of the Lord and if our work would be about the inherently liberating power of the Gospel? Perhaps then we would experience God causing “righteousness and praise to spring forth before all the nations.”

(c) Donna Olivia Owusu-Ansah, written for Bethesda Baptist Church of New Rochelle, Advent Meditation Book 2011